Hold On To Your Love

“So Tash how’s things with you, how’s your new man?” My friend and namesake asks.

We’re sitting in McDonald’s with our offspring.
I was hoping to avoid the topic even though I already knew that the odds were stack against me, due to the fact that she has a new man herself and we women,  en general, love nothing more than to flaunt our new loves.
I respond to her that it’s going well but we barely see eachother because he’s workacholic, a very focused individual and a very dedicated father. All very positive qualities which I love him for but it does mean that time spend together is very limited.

She exclaimed that it’s the same with her and her partner; he’s hardworking and his “baby” is hockey!
We shared how that we’re both very aware that our Kings are not out drinking, partying with their mates.
They’re out there building their futures.
Yes we’re proud of that but our emotions tell a different story.
Our emotions are saying that we’re feeling neglected and then subsequently we feel guilty for having those thoughts.

The conversation took me back to a conversation I had couple of months back with one of my exes from wayyyy back then. I was talking about the progress of my business and the challenges etc. He turned and said that he knows my business will be successful. When I asked him based on what he’s making that statement, he told me because I am a smart and determined person. He proceeded to sum up a whole heap of other positive qualities I posses, according to him, as a buffer for the one major negative trait, he would hit me with: “Nat, you are too damn impatient! ”

He’s not the first to tell me that and I’m sure he’s not going to be the last. Not proud of it and working hard to modify this. Please be patient 😆

Anyway back to the conversation with my name sake.
I advised her that we should look at the bigger picture, to the future.
That in time, we will be sharing the same roof with our lovers and we will be grateful and happy that they’re very focused and determined men.
Let’s set aside our selfishness, our neediness, our impatient and allow the relationship to flourish.
As EnVogue says: ” Hold On To Your Love! Don’t waste your time complaining about minor things. Be patient and he will give his heart to you.”

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The Meaning Of Death

As I am sitting here, contemplating on what positive, inspiring message I shall write next, I draw a blank…

Not because I don’t have anything on my mind to write, believe me, I have plenty of thoughts!
They’re just not very positive and uplifting! 

Having received yet another phone call from abroad that yet another loved one has moved on to the next realm: 14 years old, another cancer victim, my emotions go from blazing anger,to profound sadness, to a feeling of surrender.

I question myself. What I’m I angry about, or who I’m I angry at?
Maybe I’m angry as I feel that 14 year olds, shouldn’t be buried by their parents, they should be getting up to mischief, enjoying life, finding their own identity. Maybe it’s a sense of injustice which makes me feel anger.

Hang on, injustice to who?! Surely not to the child, if I truly believe that death is a transition to a different realm, a different reality, which I do believe, then death is a positive progression.

Okay so I can’t be that I’m feeling these negative emotions because it’s such a young life.

Maybe I feel that all the “good” ones are taking from us prematurely and that’s not fair.
My mind wanders of to Chris, 24 years old, when he heard the devastating news that no one wants to hear! Such a smart, compassionate, generous, funny, ambitious man. He was a good one….

Again,if I adhere to the “death is a progression” believe,  wouldn’t the fact that all the good ones are taken, be a confirmation of that believe, after all, to be able to progress to a higher realm, you have to somehow supersede this reality, learned the lessons you came to learn.

So why is it than that I consider it to be unfair. Unfair to who?
Ahhhh….so maybe, that’s where the negative emotions come from, jealousy. …
I’m jealous because,  they’ve managed to learn and supersede way before me and get to enjoy the fruits of their labour.

Wow…I’m scaring myself. ….are these truly macabre thoughts mine….?
I’m I really that selfish and morbid.

Hmmmm…I guess I am selfish in certain aspects, I am very much a, “I want it all and  I want it now” person. To my own deterioration sometimes.

In any case, regardless how I feel, my believes,  the fact is that they’re no longer here in my reality, in the same realm as I am.

Or are they. …..?
Let me explore this thought…. To be continued. ..

This Too Shall Pass

Today is Princess Abigail’s Earth day. Her birthday always makes me feel emotional as it brings back the memory of how I stood and cried my eyes out when I received the news that I was yet again expecting.

It brought great inner conflict, having 2 babies already and even though I was still married,  my life was already as if I was a single parent. (my kids are all 10 months apart) I never wanted children to begin with and now I was expecting the third one! I was so angry ane frustrated as after the birth of my second child,  I requested to receive the contraceptive injection and my GP recommend against that, advising me to just go back on the Pill. Much good that did me! For a brief moment I considered having an abortion.

What a horrible mistake that would have been!(not a judgement to those of who do choose to have the baby terminated)  She’s the comedian in the family and out of the 3 the most affectionate one, always cuddling and kissing me. Telling me she’s never going to move out and leave me (she clearly doesn’t know her mum very well, hahahaha). She is smart and kind. Don’t get me wrong, she has a negative parts with her tendency to laziness. An example: she was late walking and I started to worry about this.
Whilst discussing this with one of my “grandma” from church, she just smile and told me that the reason Abigail is not walking is because there are to many hands at her disposal. That I should tell her siblings not to get anything for her and I should stop carrying her. Lo and behold: after a week or so, madam decided to get up and walk!  This experience emphasis how important it is to have those of the older generation involved in family life.
Anyway , I am digressing.

Yes, it was hard, having 3 babies, a marital breakdown because of domestic violence, new country, no family around, no friends, apart from the people I knew from church but the only time I saw them, was church!

But you know,  she’s a living reminder to me, that whatever trials I might be going through: This too shall pass!

I can do this, my crew and I will stand strong!

Grateful for such a beautiful blessing and so priveleged to have been chosen as the vessel for her coming to this earth.

Married With Friends Of The Opposite Sex

image

Recently a friend of mine posted this picture on Facebook. When I saw this post, I smiled because the friend who posted it,  is a good looking man ,with a beautifully spirit,  smart, holds a position of influence and i am convinced that female attention will never be lacking for him,without a doubt.
I couldn’t shake the thought that maybe at some point, his partner may have voiced her discontent to him, about the way he interacts with his female friends.
Of course the post sparked a fierce debate in which I fully participated. 🙂 One thing was interesting to see ,that contrary to what I expected, most women who responded, said that he shouldn’t have to give up his female friends, that neither parties should have to.
I started to reflect on this and wondered if this question had been asked, let’s say, a 100 years ago, a time where women were mainly dependent on their husbands financially and a divorce would have severe financial and social implications, the response would have been the same. I doubt it very much. We would have been far much protective of our relationship, I reckon.
Lots of people responded that if it’s true love, it shouldn’t matter.

My die hard romantic “love conquers all” heart ,wholeheartedly agreed but unfortunately, my sensible, analytical, intelligent mind had to throw a spanner in the works. 🙂  The truth is, it can be “true love” , whatever that means but there are certain things we don’t have control over.

Wait! Don’t start the lynch party yet! Let me explain.

We are daily being bombarded with all types of stimuli, information,  experiences and because of this, associations are being created in our brain. Memories imprinted.
A clear example of this is music. 

Up till 2008, whenever I heard Celine Dion’s : “Because you loved me”, I use to get upset, memories ,feelings of hurt and betrayal, because when the song first came out, my at that time love interest, use to play it continually for me, giving me a false sense of feeling loved. I didn’t choose to have that association, I have no control over that.
Yes, yes, I know you’re asking why till 2008, what happened 2008. Nosey, nosey 🙂
Well, 2008 I met a new man, who replaced the negative association with a very positive one by showing he genuinely loved and cared for me. Unfortunately, as he passed on to a different dimension, a different realm, now the song is a mixture of joy and sadness. R.i.p.p Chris.

Anyway, I’m digressing, back to the issue of control. Our brain has been trained to react to certain stimuli which creates physiological responses whether we like it or not.
As human beings, we have one advantage over (other )animals,  we can reason.
If you have  all of  your faculties in tact, you know that placing yourself in certain situations, is asking for trouble!
No matter what, as human beings, we are all part of the survival of the fittest scheme and trust me if you choose your mate based on all his/her positive attributes , you can bet that there are a whole heap of other women/men who would love to have him/her for the very same reason.
Let’s face it, we all have friends, who are hoping, wishing you had chosen them, instead of the person you’re with. It doesn’t mean they’re not really your friend, they can’t help wanting you. Believe me,  I’ve seen it, in my own circle of friends, now that I have a new special King in my life, some are them are behaving really stupid,  I just smile as I know they probably don’t even know why they’re behaving they way they do.
Psychological research seems to provide evidence that by using science, we can make anyone fall in love with us. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/open-gently/201310/36-questions-bring-you-closer-together)
Which means that we might think, we choose our mates based on what passes for love but more likely or not, it’s our brain, who did the chosing so you and your genes can survive.

The bottom line is ,you can have  friends of the opposite gender when you’re in a relationship but the couple have to sit down and talk and create boundaries and discuss what the consequences of breaking the boundaries are.

Don’t let your heart make you to behave ignorant and foolish. You’re special and unique but so are all the other women/men out there.
Always remember that!

Roller coaster Life

At 20:45 my Facebook Messenger phone rings,.
It’s my college days, room mate, a.k.a my Big Bro (B.B).
I gave him that title after he stood up for me in a club, where a guy was harassing me and B.B could see that I was not liking it! When we came home that night, he told me off for not asking him for help to start with and I told him I didn’t want to disturb his “game”. Hey don’t judge, I was 18! 🙂
Living with B.B was bittersweet, when I was ill, he was the best room mate ever, cooking the most delicious meals for me, however B.B. also had a temper and when things didn’t go his way, run for cover! And that was exactly what I did, I ran as fast as my feet could carry me, after one day, he punched a hole through my bedroom door, in a fit of severe jealousy.

But back to the phone call.

It was very sad news that he was bringing me.
He’s been hospitalised for a while and diagonised with cancer and he’s pretty much at the end of his life. His words :”it’s game over for me sis.”  sounded like there has been a bouldering thunder, scattering a million windows, simultaneously! I knew he purposely choose to use those words, bringing us back to the very beginning of our friendship.
Even though we hadn’t spoken with eachother in ages, the tap of tears was turned open to full capacity! Despite my B.B being in severe pain, he was still joking, talking about our experience together whilst being room mates.
As per usual when I am confronted with news like this, I start reflecting on my own life.
Even though I am making substantial progress, I still to a certain degree, hold back, not asserting myself enough and also not surrendering myself completely. As a matter of fact, I am still allowing my mind to take me to negative thoughts and emotions, where there is no reason for that.
No more of that! Today is the day of change.
One more last thing before I jump and do a free fall : B.B my time spent with you felt like being on a roller coaster, absolute fabulous awesome times interchanging with absolutely frightening times, when I literally feared for my life but through it all ,one thing remained, love. Despite all, I will always love you, not Eros love but Fidelio love. After all, you are my Big Brother! I love you B.B. Hope to see you before you tranfer to next realm of reality, if I don’t, we will meet again, in another time and another place .

Who Wrote The Book Of Love

“Tell me, tell me who wrote the book of love”….💖

Waking up,  getting myself ready to go to work, that one sentence, keeps running through my head.
I know it is because one of my cousin who has come to spent the weekend at mine and all I am hearing is, how in one week she has fallen hopelessly in love and how the object of her affection is clearly feeling the same way, having already indicated, he wants her to become his “wifey”.
Observing her and seeing her face lit up whenever he’s sending her yet another love song ,another message, I smile.
How awesome is that honeymoon period.:)

Having recently met someone knew myself, I recognise that feeling of euphoria. Our interactions with eachother are very different and going at a substantially slower pace but that doesn’t make it less genuine.
As my love interest rings me and my cousin being high on life, disturbing my conversation,like a 16 year old, I relayed the information to him, to explain her behaviour.
I smiled at his response:” Isn’t that a bit too quick. ”
I shrug my shoulders(which he can’t see) and respond to him, that sometimes you just know and when you get to a certain age, you recognise that time waits for no one.  From his reaction, I noticed that he doesn’t agree with my train of thought.

So I started to reflect and think about  dating and interpersonal relationships with regards to age, gender, culture.
And realised that truly “love” is a social construct, that the definition of love, contrary to popular belief, is a very subjective one.

One just have to look at the word” dating” to realise that it means different things to different people. For some people dating means they are in an exclusive relationship with someone, whilst other consider dating to be, going out with different candidates from which, eventually a partner will be chosen.
Culturally, it appears that those of the African continent seem to consider that dating equals getting married to that person.
Dating feels like taking part in a Formula One race….fast paced: I met you today, tomorrow you meet my parents, next tomorrow, we get engaged, the day after, we’re getting married and by next week , you’re pregnant!

Writing this, I recall my time aboard Logos 2, where we we’re pre – warned not to flirt with the guys from Africa as what I have written in the previous paragraph was likely to happen. Little did I know that 10 years later, I would get that experience first hand, 14 years later, 3 kids,divorced and back on the dating scene. Talking about racing, pffff;)

Being very interested in the whole concept of dating, love, interpersonal relationships, I have read extensively on the subject.
At one point, I was reading two books with regards to this topic at the same time and realised that conflicted advice was given.
One claimed ,for example,  that if you are a parent, the sooner you introduced your children, the better. The other, delay the introduction as long as possible. There were more instances of conflicted advice.
And that is very common occurrence when you read about love.
Every love guru seems to have their own thought and advice.

The conclusion I have come to is that we are all co-authors of The Book Of Love. Our own, individual stories are separate chapters and we all should follow our own love path. What works for one, doesn’t necessarily work for the other.

Live, laugh, love. Be you, be happy!

Simba Desperately Seeking Mustafa

Today I want to highlight 1 thing as I can identify. Raising children on my own, the eldest being a boy, I sometimes get tired of having to be the Alpha Lionesses to keep my warrior Cubb in check subsequently I sometimes make unhealthy choices when it comes to disciplining my crew.  I love and appreciate that I have at least one male friend who I can call to step in!

I would like to appeal to my brothers: HELP US!! We WANT  to be nurturing, compassionate, loving, gentle, feminine but the situation, our circumstances of life forces us to be opposite our nature because we want to keep our children (read boys) on the straight and narrow.
Then, what happens is that we are in this role 24/7 of having to be mother and father, when our loving brothers come along, it takes some time for us to adjust, to find our soft, feminine side,some of you don’t have the patience and understanding to wait for that to manifest and you leave us, labelling us as: loud, argumentative, hard, and everything else negative under the sun, telling us that’s why you prefer the white women over us.(please note, I do not oppose inter-racial relationships)That in turn perpetrates the erroneous thought to us that our brothers can’t be dependent on, hardening us even more, completing the vicious circle.
Come on brothers and sisters, let’s support eachother, I don’t have to be sharing the bed with you for you to be part of raising my children.
Most of the times all we want for the brother to step in and say: “Don’t worry sister, I got this one! ”  On that note, today I want to say a very special thank you to Angel Francis for being one of those type of brothers in my life.  It may seem to go unnoticed at times, I can assure, it hasn’t.  My Simba knows when he pushes this Lioness to far, Mustafa will be called to the scene!
#ittakesavillagetoraiseachild #blackunity #GBE

Fulfill Your Destiny

For a very long time (years)I have been thinking and wonderingen about what exactly are my talents and my gifts. I have many skills but I don’t consider them to be my gifts or talents.
Speaking with friends about this, there always been a common response :”Your languages are your gifts! ”  Each time I would go away and reflect on that response as the obvious route  then would be, to become a Tutor. To be very honest, I wasn’t feeling that one. 🙂 

Then, couple of weeks ago I went to a seminar,  :Wisdom Brings Success by Allan Sealy and guest speaker Camilita Nuttall.
Which made me , once again, ponder on what I really have to offer to the world, my gifts and my talents.
I was buzzing, motivated and inspired but to do what?! Speaking with Lea Macinc, she responded the same thing : “Tash, your languages are your gift,”
So I decided to have a conversation with my divine Father.
The outcome of that conversation is, that I now have my first assignment translating the book: Wisdom Brings Success by Allan Sealy into Dutch.😆
There is more but all will be revealed in due time.
From moment I took on this assignment,  I can see how things are just being brought together. An example, my lovely couMimi Berensteintein is here on holiday, which means,  I have an indoors Chef, Hair & Beauty Consultant, Proofreader, Nanny (pfffff speaking about talents!) and a confident.
For a very long time, she’s been saying, she’s coming but every time a spanner was thrown in the wheels, preventing her from coming but now she’s here, enabling me to concentrate on this project.
My divine Daddy’s timing is the best, of course it is, He’s the creator of Time before time.
On that note, time for me to get on with translating! 😆 #wisdombringssucces #AllanSealy #fightforyourfuture #timeforactionisnow

Talk Is Cheap!

As I am scrolling through my newsfeed, I see funny posts,  motivational posts, deep personal posts, Scripture quotes but the predominant posts are all about U.S police brutality against black men, women and children.
Video clips showing absolute barberic, disgusting, appalling behaviour by police .

What, however I find even more disturbing is when I read comments people post under these videos, such as:”Only in America” or “stop playing the race card”(fellow black brother) or “why was he there to start with”.

If you are under the erroneous assumption that this only happens in the U.S I recommend you to start researching, reading and engaging more with your community as you will soon discover that this is happening in other parts of the world too.

If you’re of the opinion this isn’t about race, sorry to say, you’re part of the problem.  Do your research, look at the statics, think about ratio black people to white people. Think about the prison population, what’s the ratio again with regards to race but also what’s the ratio with regards to the criminal offence committed, the reason for incarceration.

As to why someone was in a certain place at a certain time, is down to Freedom of movement, free will, choice.

Now, for me personally, it’s disturbing my mind and emotions, making me feel restless , I know a call to  action is banging ferociously at door of my mind but what IS the right action, what will bring about the positive change!

I believe a new movement : GBE is on the right track.
Be part of positive, progressive black movement. Invest your time, your talents and gifts in your community and be part of the solution. We can break the cycle of oppression and abuse. After all, the dwarf can not withstand the giant! Join GBE.  Click on the link http://www.globalblackenterprises.com/signup_volunteers/Natasha.Noordzij.1074

#GBELONDON #blackunity #positiveblacklegacy #nomoredepravation #blackandexcellence #raiseaspirations #blackenterprises #BlackOwned #wemoveasone
#timeforactionisnow #protectourrace #unitedwestand #blacklivesmatter

The Time Is Now, The Place Is Here!

Last week Saturday around this time I was sitting at the Holiday Inn Westfield, having a delicious breakfast with new friends I made, Rene Byrd and Cecilia Marquis. It was a prelude of the amazing lessons we we’re about to learn from our hosts Camilita Nuttall and Allan Sealy.
For me personally, it set of a series of events in my life during this whole week.
Some, which I experienced initially as painful but after further examination and careful consideration, were absolutely amazing. (I will elaborate on that another time).
As I said in my previous post, one of the things which was said, which leaped out for me, was to let go, interesting enough,  a few days previously, I wrote on my Facebook that, I have decided to let go and just do a free fall, whatever happens, happens.
And boy oh boy, little did I know how that statement was going to shake my world!  🙂
The other thing which I have been battling with for a long time is, merging my “science mind” with my “believers mind”.
It’s been a long standing internal conflict. Until, last Saturday, the way Allan Sealy, explained certain things from a biblical perspective but based on a scientific evidence, is just amazing.
All through Saturday and the rest of the week, two scriptures, keep coming up in my mind:

Deuteronomy 4:23-25New International Version (NIV)

23 Be careful not to forget the covenant of the Lord your God that he made with you; do not make for yourselves an idol in the form of anything the Lord your God has forbidden. 24 For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.

25 After you have had children and grandchildren and have lived in the land a long time—if you then become corrupt and make any kind of idol, doing evil in the eyes of the Lord your God and arousing his anger,

I reckon certain events which have taken place are the Most High way of telling me he’s having none of it. Meaning, He won’t allow me to replace Him with an idol, in my case, a guy, yes you’ve read that correctly. For about 6 months,  this man became my god. I accepted all that came out of his mouth, until last Saturday, he (or rather God) dethroned himself.

Matthew 24:22New International Version (NIV)

22 “If those days had not been cut short, no one would survive, but for the sake of the elect those days will be shortened.

Surely we have noticed that the days appear to be so much shorter. I mean we’re already in July, it seems like Christmas was yesterday right?

I smile thinking about this, I know I am part of God’s chosen people but I haven’t really behaved like one for a very long time and I have suffered the consequences.  I can no longer afford to do that because I have 3 amazing children who are solely depending on me to get it right!

Time to pick up my sword and shield to fight not just for my future but those of my precious, prince and 2 princesses!