Hold On To Your Love

“So Tash how’s things with you, how’s your new man?” My friend and namesake asks.

We’re sitting in McDonald’s with our offspring.
I was hoping to avoid the topic even though I already knew that the odds were stack against me, due to the fact that she has a new man herself and we women,  en general, love nothing more than to flaunt our new loves.
I respond to her that it’s going well but we barely see eachother because he’s workacholic, a very focused individual and a very dedicated father. All very positive qualities which I love him for but it does mean that time spend together is very limited.

She exclaimed that it’s the same with her and her partner; he’s hardworking and his “baby” is hockey!
We shared how that we’re both very aware that our Kings are not out drinking, partying with their mates.
They’re out there building their futures.
Yes we’re proud of that but our emotions tell a different story.
Our emotions are saying that we’re feeling neglected and then subsequently we feel guilty for having those thoughts.

The conversation took me back to a conversation I had couple of months back with one of my exes from wayyyy back then. I was talking about the progress of my business and the challenges etc. He turned and said that he knows my business will be successful. When I asked him based on what he’s making that statement, he told me because I am a smart and determined person. He proceeded to sum up a whole heap of other positive qualities I posses, according to him, as a buffer for the one major negative trait, he would hit me with: “Nat, you are too damn impatient! ”

He’s not the first to tell me that and I’m sure he’s not going to be the last. Not proud of it and working hard to modify this. Please be patient 😆

Anyway back to the conversation with my name sake.
I advised her that we should look at the bigger picture, to the future.
That in time, we will be sharing the same roof with our lovers and we will be grateful and happy that they’re very focused and determined men.
Let’s set aside our selfishness, our neediness, our impatient and allow the relationship to flourish.
As EnVogue says: ” Hold On To Your Love! Don’t waste your time complaining about minor things. Be patient and he will give his heart to you.”

The Meaning Of Death

As I am sitting here, contemplating on what positive, inspiring message I shall write next, I draw a blank…

Not because I don’t have anything on my mind to write, believe me, I have plenty of thoughts!
They’re just not very positive and uplifting! 

Having received yet another phone call from abroad that yet another loved one has moved on to the next realm: 14 years old, another cancer victim, my emotions go from blazing anger,to profound sadness, to a feeling of surrender.

I question myself. What I’m I angry about, or who I’m I angry at?
Maybe I’m angry as I feel that 14 year olds, shouldn’t be buried by their parents, they should be getting up to mischief, enjoying life, finding their own identity. Maybe it’s a sense of injustice which makes me feel anger.

Hang on, injustice to who?! Surely not to the child, if I truly believe that death is a transition to a different realm, a different reality, which I do believe, then death is a positive progression.

Okay so I can’t be that I’m feeling these negative emotions because it’s such a young life.

Maybe I feel that all the “good” ones are taking from us prematurely and that’s not fair.
My mind wanders of to Chris, 24 years old, when he heard the devastating news that no one wants to hear! Such a smart, compassionate, generous, funny, ambitious man. He was a good one….

Again,if I adhere to the “death is a progression” believe,  wouldn’t the fact that all the good ones are taken, be a confirmation of that believe, after all, to be able to progress to a higher realm, you have to somehow supersede this reality, learned the lessons you came to learn.

So why is it than that I consider it to be unfair. Unfair to who?
Ahhhh….so maybe, that’s where the negative emotions come from, jealousy. …
I’m jealous because,  they’ve managed to learn and supersede way before me and get to enjoy the fruits of their labour.

Wow…I’m scaring myself. ….are these truly macabre thoughts mine….?
I’m I really that selfish and morbid.

Hmmmm…I guess I am selfish in certain aspects, I am very much a, “I want it all and  I want it now” person. To my own deterioration sometimes.

In any case, regardless how I feel, my believes,  the fact is that they’re no longer here in my reality, in the same realm as I am.

Or are they. …..?
Let me explore this thought…. To be continued. ..

This Too Shall Pass

Today is Princess Abigail’s Earth day. Her birthday always makes me feel emotional as it brings back the memory of how I stood and cried my eyes out when I received the news that I was yet again expecting.

It brought great inner conflict, having 2 babies already and even though I was still married,  my life was already as if I was a single parent. (my kids are all 10 months apart) I never wanted children to begin with and now I was expecting the third one! I was so angry ane frustrated as after the birth of my second child,  I requested to receive the contraceptive injection and my GP recommend against that, advising me to just go back on the Pill. Much good that did me! For a brief moment I considered having an abortion.

What a horrible mistake that would have been!(not a judgement to those of who do choose to have the baby terminated)  She’s the comedian in the family and out of the 3 the most affectionate one, always cuddling and kissing me. Telling me she’s never going to move out and leave me (she clearly doesn’t know her mum very well, hahahaha). She is smart and kind. Don’t get me wrong, she has a negative parts with her tendency to laziness. An example: she was late walking and I started to worry about this.
Whilst discussing this with one of my “grandma” from church, she just smile and told me that the reason Abigail is not walking is because there are to many hands at her disposal. That I should tell her siblings not to get anything for her and I should stop carrying her. Lo and behold: after a week or so, madam decided to get up and walk!  This experience emphasis how important it is to have those of the older generation involved in family life.
Anyway , I am digressing.

Yes, it was hard, having 3 babies, a marital breakdown because of domestic violence, new country, no family around, no friends, apart from the people I knew from church but the only time I saw them, was church!

But you know,  she’s a living reminder to me, that whatever trials I might be going through: This too shall pass!

I can do this, my crew and I will stand strong!

Grateful for such a beautiful blessing and so priveleged to have been chosen as the vessel for her coming to this earth.

Married With Friends Of The Opposite Sex

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Recently a friend of mine posted this picture on Facebook. When I saw this post, I smiled because the friend who posted it,  is a good looking man ,with a beautifully spirit,  smart, holds a position of influence and i am convinced that female attention will never be lacking for him,without a doubt.
I couldn’t shake the thought that maybe at some point, his partner may have voiced her discontent to him, about the way he interacts with his female friends.
Of course the post sparked a fierce debate in which I fully participated. 🙂 One thing was interesting to see ,that contrary to what I expected, most women who responded, said that he shouldn’t have to give up his female friends, that neither parties should have to.
I started to reflect on this and wondered if this question had been asked, let’s say, a 100 years ago, a time where women were mainly dependent on their husbands financially and a divorce would have severe financial and social implications, the response would have been the same. I doubt it very much. We would have been far much protective of our relationship, I reckon.
Lots of people responded that if it’s true love, it shouldn’t matter.

My die hard romantic “love conquers all” heart ,wholeheartedly agreed but unfortunately, my sensible, analytical, intelligent mind had to throw a spanner in the works. 🙂  The truth is, it can be “true love” , whatever that means but there are certain things we don’t have control over.

Wait! Don’t start the lynch party yet! Let me explain.

We are daily being bombarded with all types of stimuli, information,  experiences and because of this, associations are being created in our brain. Memories imprinted.
A clear example of this is music. 

Up till 2008, whenever I heard Celine Dion’s : “Because you loved me”, I use to get upset, memories ,feelings of hurt and betrayal, because when the song first came out, my at that time love interest, use to play it continually for me, giving me a false sense of feeling loved. I didn’t choose to have that association, I have no control over that.
Yes, yes, I know you’re asking why till 2008, what happened 2008. Nosey, nosey 🙂
Well, 2008 I met a new man, who replaced the negative association with a very positive one by showing he genuinely loved and cared for me. Unfortunately, as he passed on to a different dimension, a different realm, now the song is a mixture of joy and sadness. R.i.p.p Chris.

Anyway, I’m digressing, back to the issue of control. Our brain has been trained to react to certain stimuli which creates physiological responses whether we like it or not.
As human beings, we have one advantage over (other )animals,  we can reason.
If you have  all of  your faculties in tact, you know that placing yourself in certain situations, is asking for trouble!
No matter what, as human beings, we are all part of the survival of the fittest scheme and trust me if you choose your mate based on all his/her positive attributes , you can bet that there are a whole heap of other women/men who would love to have him/her for the very same reason.
Let’s face it, we all have friends, who are hoping, wishing you had chosen them, instead of the person you’re with. It doesn’t mean they’re not really your friend, they can’t help wanting you. Believe me,  I’ve seen it, in my own circle of friends, now that I have a new special King in my life, some are them are behaving really stupid,  I just smile as I know they probably don’t even know why they’re behaving they way they do.
Psychological research seems to provide evidence that by using science, we can make anyone fall in love with us. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/open-gently/201310/36-questions-bring-you-closer-together)
Which means that we might think, we choose our mates based on what passes for love but more likely or not, it’s our brain, who did the chosing so you and your genes can survive.

The bottom line is ,you can have  friends of the opposite gender when you’re in a relationship but the couple have to sit down and talk and create boundaries and discuss what the consequences of breaking the boundaries are.

Don’t let your heart make you to behave ignorant and foolish. You’re special and unique but so are all the other women/men out there.
Always remember that!